Sandcastle | Aisna Pradhan

“I can’t do this anymore… ” Ruhi’s broken sobs pierced through the tranquility of the drawing room, which somehow seemed to stretch endlessly that evening.

“I can’t let you do this yourself anymore. We should just end this here. “

She didn’t dare meet her husband’s gaze. She didn’t want to falter. Today she was not allowed to.

Dhawal mulled over her words, letting them soak through his befogged mind. Then he came forward and embraced her quivering form, resting his chin on her head. A quirk of his, which Ruhi had always found quite adorable. She wished she had locked this one secret. He wouldn’t have readily weaponized it against her weak heart.

“I can’t lose you too please…”

He’d whispered and there it was. The same desperation, the same ugly confession that had pulled her back from crossing the threshold so many times.

Their two-year-old marriage had always been tethered to mutual fear and selfishness instead of love. But for as long as Ruhi could comprehend and even before that, she had always, always been in love with Dhawal. The love which stealthily grew past her feelings of admiration for a best friend, who had faithfully stood by her side.

But a tragedy, exactly 8 years ago, had eclipsed her very love with regret. The guilt of tearing a son from the arms of loving parents and a best friend from Dhawal had deemed her unworthy of carrying

She always knew, beyond his brash attitude, that he cared, deeply and selflessly. That was what had culminated in his proposal. To at least tie the remaining friend by his side forever. She’d always known this yet she had agreed. Perhaps in her selfish pursuit of his love even if it ultimately entailed exploiting his pure-hearted intentions and fears.

Her sin will neither be forgiven nor erased for as long as she is alive. The lifeless existence of Yash’s parents, who were left behind, and her husband’s gradual deterioration would always be a constant reminiscent of that.

Maybe this is her retribution. Some sort of divine intervention for moving on easily. She’d wondered then as she lay on the pristine hospital bed.

Her child had quietly chosen to walk away from their life. It was too early, she barely even got to know them, feel them, much less imagine a future.

She didn’t shed a tear, too numb to process the unfortunate news given. She reasoned that she had already foreseen such an outcome to grieve less. But ultimately her heart, which had been a witness to Ruhi’s joy when she had first heard the news, had given up on her lies.

She once again, caressed her empty stomach, hoping to feel a miracle.

Her ray of hope. A reprieve reduced to nothingness.

Ruhi had prayed then. To keep Dhawal shielding away from the repercussions, she was entitled to. He had done nothing wrong to ever deserve that.

Ruhi tightened her hold around him as she cried harder. Some streamed down his face too, both afraid to face such a grim prospect.

She wondered if their sufferings would ever end. A story with the same conclusion every single time. About how long they intended to run in circles, afraid to be left alone, till one of them would finally muster the courage to break this vicious cycle.

But for now, she was content to be in the warmth of his arms.

That night Yash had visited in her restless sleep after a long time.

A youthful boy with dark hair flowing freely with the passing evening breeze. His onyx eyes crinkled as he smiled, reminiscent of a delicate, early morning sunshine. He urged her to cross the road ahead to go over to Dhawal, who was standing on the other side.

Ruhi hesitated for a moment and turned back to him. But feeling his reassuring support, she ran.

Suddenly a red car screeched to a halt. That kind boy with a beautiful smile was mercilessly thrown to the side, hitting the road pavement with a loud thud.

Ruhi struggled to sit up, on the opposite side of the road where she was forcefully pushed forward. She winced as her right elbow and knee painfully throbbed at even the slight movement.

“YASH! ”

Dhawal’s distressed shout of his name rang out through the sudden wave of hushed murmurs and footsteps as he bolted past her to the other side.

Ruhi’s heart dropped to the stomach as soon as she heard his name. A raw, ominous fear started to strangle her. She at once turned back, to affirm that reassuring smile in sight.

His onyx eyes, which seemed so gentle, full of life a moment ago, were now a void and bleary as they zeroed in on her brown eyes from afar, where he was laid down. The red hue rapidly pooled under his head, soaking his dark hair and green t-shirt crimson.

No-No. This can’t be. This can’t… The words continued to reverberate in her mind while she shook her head in denial of this cruelty. She wanted to get up and go to him but the shock had frozen her on the spot.

The hand in Dhawal’s grip limply fell.

“Yash! ”

Ruhi immediately sat upright in the bed. She frantically looked around in the dark, confirming her presence while the sound of her shallow breathing filled the hush. Dhawal was sound asleep, beside her, undisturbed by her distress.

Palpitations overcame her heart so did the sudden urge to retch. With a hand covering her mouth, she threw aside her comforter and rushed to the bathroom.

She tightly gripped the wash basin as she vomited all the unprocessed contents of the previous day. Her body urged her to continue even when nothing was left but her falling tears.

She closed the faucet after washing her face and looked up. She grimaced at the sight that greeted her back. Unkempt long hair, parched lips, swollen red-rimmed eyes with dark circles underneath. A repulsive stranger from the Ruhi, she used to be proud of.

Now she felt empty inside. Nothing.

She limply slid down the wall in the bathroom.

‘It should’ve been me.’

The admission now shone with the clarity she had been seeking all this time. It was now beginning to shape more and more into her only salvation.

She glanced at the dark brown bottle, kept on the shelf with other essentials.

None of this would’ve happened if it was her that day. Yash would have been still here, happy and living the life he’d always talked about. Her baby wouldn’t have to pay for her share of punishment with their life.

Dhawal. He would have been free from the shackles of baggage he had been forced with. To revert to living as a boy, she’d fallen in love with. Carefree, hopeful, and full of life.

She can’t turn the time back. She can’t bring anyone back. At the very least she can do the right thing so that Yash’s soul will finally be able to rest in peace.

Her heartbeat increased in tempo and her palms felt sweaty. Her room began to blur as her eyelids felt heavy.

Three children, A girl, and two boys were trying to build a sandcastle. They appeared ignorant of Ruhi’s presence, squabbling among themselves over how to make it big. She noticed the structure was beginning to crumble.

“Ah-ha.” She tried to warn them but no voice would come out of her throat.

Suddenly the sandcastle collapsed into the pile of sand. Ruhi agonized over their reactions in the sudden stillness. Much to her surprise, instead insouciant laughter peeled away from them in waves.

A smile danced at her lips as a tear rolled down her face.

With a peaceful expression, she closed her eyes and the empty bottle tumbled down, free from her clenched hands.

The next time Ruhi opened her eyes, she was perturbed to see the cream-white walls. The constant beeps of the monitor further confirmed that she was in the hospital.

‘But how? ‘ The question prodded at her muddled head. ‘Didn’t she… ‘

She tried sitting up but the IV drip restrained her full movements. Hearing the rustle, her husband resting beside her bed was startled awake. Before they could say anything, A middle-aged doctor with a nurse in tow entered the room. The doctor checked her vitals and asked her some questions. She tried answering as best as she could and once satisfied, the doctor left.

She will be discharged within two days after some observation.

Once alone, she distantly noticed her husband’s state- Red swollen eyes, tousled hair, and disheveled appearance as if he had dashed here straight from the home.

Ruhi tore her eyes away. Shame and guilt gnawed at her as she whispered a quiet apology. For what she, herself wasn’t sure of. Maybe it’s to relieve her burdened heart a little, she contended. Dhawal merely shook his head and grasped her free hand.

“You idiot. ” he’d croaked out.

She looked up to find him smiling, a relieved one all while tears threatened to spill down any moment. She had wept with him that night till they both dozed off. Hand in hand.

Time moved on and it was somehow teaching Ruhi to live with pain. She and Dhawal had started seeing a therapist on the doctor’s recommendation. Though they are slowly learning to better navigate through their grief and fears, the scars left behind would take a long time to heal.

Ruhi had no qualms because now there was hope that they would pull through. They would be able to withstand whatever may befall them from now on. Maybe not as husband and wife for now but as best friends, with mutual trust and respect.

“Where are you taking me?” Ruhi once again impatiently inquired, as she was being assisted by Dhawal somewhere with the blindfold.

“Soon you’ll see for yourself. Have some patience.” He once again said and she was certain he was enjoying this charade.

Soon they stopped walking. Dhawal opened her blindfold which allowed Ruhi to look at the

imposing establishment in front of them.

An orphanage.

Before Ruhi could utter a word, Dhawal took her hand to proceed inside. Ruhi was a bit bewildered but complied nonetheless.

She spotted a handful of children in the playground. Some were playing catch, and some other jolly faces scattered around the swings and other rides. Her heart warmed at the sight of such pure innocence and joy.

They stopped short, away a few distances in front of a small, lone boy by the sandbox. He paid them no heed as his tiny hands continued patting the wet sand to shape it into a castle.

Ruhi’s heart clenched with the emotions, as a sense of nostalgia washed over her. Three children, A girl, and two boys, trying to build a sand castle together.

Her eyes brimmed with tears.

Suddenly something tugged at her clothes.

“Miss, are you hurt, why are you crying?” The boy looked up at her with concern swimming in his brown eyes. She kneeled to his level and smiled.

“No, I felt like I met someone after a long time so I was just happy.”

The boy looked confused.

Ruhi laughed through her tears before patting his hair. “Say, what’s your name?”

“Yash.”

Ruhi’s eyes widened in surprise. Overcoming the wistful sentiments, she asked.

“Can we play with you?”

“Hm. Sure. Come on.”

He happily agreed before eagerly running back to the sand. Ruhi and Dhawal sat down with the boy. In between the meticulous planning for the big sand castle and playful banters, Dhawal reached for her hand to which she intertwined them together.

For the first time, Ruhi looked forward to tomorrow. For the first time, she felt forgiven.

Aisna Pradhan recently completed her graduation from Guru Ghasidas Vishwavidyalaya with a BA (Hons.) in political science. Her interests include writing and reading stories. Currently, she’s in the process of pursuing different opportunities to learn more about the intricacies of writing and hone her skills.